I always admire the bloggers that can share a peek into their lives with honesty. It is hard to put yourself out there, to let yourself be judged by people that have never met you, and even some of those that have.
I have come to this blog many times in the past month or 2 typing out a post only to turn around and delete it. Honesty is important to me, and I am finding it easier to just smile and say nothing rather than throwing out the general "almost lie" of "it's all good."
Right now life is hard. It's exhausting. And quite frankly for me and my personality, it's mind boggling! I can not wait for my head to hit the pillow at night so that for just a few hours I do not have to think about everything that needs thought of! I would saying I am headed for a mental breakdown, but who has the time for one of those?
Some of the struggles I am facing are just a part of life, of kids growing up, of living in the world today. Some are more unique. I find myself not wanting to share too much. There is no one "safe" to share it with. No one that I know well enough that would really get it. So as a result I find myself desiring God more, turning to God more. HE is my shelter, my protector. I can hide in His shadow as I tell him everything, as I finally let myself have that well deserved mental breakdown.
Strangely enough, or mayhap not so strange, that is a good thing. I NEED to seek God! I NEED God! I know God is not safe, but I know GOD'S HEART IS GOOD! I don't want safe anyway when it comes to GOD. I need someone bigger than safe. I need a fighter, a hero, a savior, a commander, a defender.... No safe is definitely not big enough!
Some days having 2 kids currently requiring almost total care and facing a large number of unknowns in their future,
an almost 6 year old that does not speak conversationally yet even though she's been home 15+ months,
another almost 6 year old that is HYPER all the time and is ultra interested in cuss words, boy/ girl relationships, and back talks like a problem 16 year old,
having my 17 year old son drop out of highschool because he just "can't do it anymore" and convincing/ forcing/ begging him to stick with the GED course he is taking and hating,
my husband being extremely busy and working 12 hour days 6 days a week,
my oldest a freshman in college and me trying to stay involved in her life so that she knows MOM is still there for her and that she will always belong here,
my house is a mess, my yard is a disaster, my laundry pile is breeding, and so on and so on....
Life! It's going to kill me. [But I guess that's that point. :)]
So when I get asked the question "Do you think you guys are going to adopt again?" Instead of a quick "probably" or a "We just finished our Homestudy.", as used to happen, there is a pause as I consider my words carefully. Yes, life is CRAZY. Yes, my mind might explode. Yes, there are inklings [okay, more like nuclear bombs of desire] for the easy road. Yes, I am constantly saying I can not fit one more thing into my days right now. Yes, I might forget that my youngest ones haven't had a bath in over a week. Yes, we might eat McDonalds or Ramen noodles more than I am willing to admit. Yes, there is enough dog hair on my wood floor to warmly stuff a comforter cover for the coldest winter on record. And so on, and so on.... And still the answer that comes out of my mouth...is YES.
YES! YES! YES! YES! Now, don't get excited. Let me qualify that answer. That YES is for GOD. Not long after we adopted Luke, in talking to God, I promised Him that my answer would always be YES. Whomever the child, whatever the situation, my answer is YES. My home, my heart, my arms will forever remain open. He gave me a mothers heart, and I am so very, very thankful for that.
IN the craziness of life I can lose sight of all that though. Lately the things I am reading, the sermons that I hear, the quotes that I find... they all come back to the fact that GOD called me onto the mission field of being MOM. He is talking to me, He is rejuvenating my tired heart. He is reminding me of bigger pictures and grander plans. I need HIM so much, and He loves me enough to make it obvious. ;).
Trusting Him with the outcome, I say YES each morning.
ON a side note, Quentin is doing fantastic! He is growing so big! He is rolling over. He is sleeping at night like a champ! He is happy and healthy. He brings me an overwhelming amount of joy each day. I could brag about him for hours!
Here he is at about 2 1/2 months old:
He is very strong for 2 months!
His shunt has finally stopped looking like a vienna sausage on his head!
Isn't he just adorable?
A rare smile. He'd rather talk to you then smile at you. And this crooked little half smile? It's going to melt some girls heart someday. It's already melted mine. :)
Here is his back. It is healing slowly but surely.