I Desire To Say Yes Each Morning....

I always admire the bloggers that can share a peek into their lives with honesty. It is hard to put yourself out there, to let yourself be judged by people that have never met you, and even some of those that have.

I have come to this blog many times in the past month or 2 typing out a post only to turn around and delete it. Honesty is important to me, and I am finding it easier to just smile and say nothing rather than throwing out the general "almost lie" of "it's all good."

Right now life is hard. It's exhausting. And quite frankly for me and my personality, it's mind boggling! I can not wait for my head to hit the pillow at night so that for just a few hours I do not have to think about everything that needs thought of! I would saying I am headed for a mental breakdown, but who has the time for one of those?

Some of the struggles I am facing are just a part of life, of kids growing up, of living in the world today. Some are more unique. I find myself not wanting to share too much. There is no one "safe" to share it with. No one that I know well enough that would really get it. So as a result I find myself desiring God more, turning to God more. HE is my shelter, my protector. I can hide in His shadow as I tell him everything, as I finally let myself have that well deserved mental breakdown.

Strangely enough, or mayhap not so strange, that is a good thing. I NEED to seek God! I NEED God! I know God is not safe, but I know GOD'S HEART IS GOOD! I don't want safe anyway when it comes to GOD. I need someone bigger than safe. I need a fighter, a hero, a savior, a commander, a defender.... No safe is definitely not big enough!

Some days having 2 kids currently requiring almost total care and facing a large number of unknowns in their future,

an almost 6 year old that does not speak conversationally yet even though she's been home 15+ months,

another almost 6 year old that is HYPER all the time and is ultra interested in cuss words, boy/ girl relationships, and back talks like a problem 16 year old,

having my 17 year old son drop out of highschool because he just "can't do it anymore" and convincing/ forcing/ begging him to stick with the GED course he is taking and hating,

my husband being extremely busy and working 12 hour days 6 days a week,

my oldest a freshman in college and me trying to stay involved in her life so that she knows MOM is still there for her and that she will always belong here,

my house is a mess, my yard is a disaster, my laundry pile is breeding, and so on and so on....

Life! It's going to kill me. [But I guess that's that point. :)]


So when I get asked the question "Do you think you guys are going to adopt again?" Instead of a quick "probably" or a "We just finished our Homestudy.", as used to happen, there is a pause as I consider my words carefully. Yes, life is CRAZY. Yes, my mind might explode. Yes, there are inklings [okay, more like nuclear bombs of desire] for the easy road. Yes, I am constantly saying I can not fit one more thing into my days right now. Yes, I might forget that my youngest ones haven't had a bath in over a week. Yes, we might eat McDonalds or Ramen noodles more than I am willing to admit. Yes, there is enough dog hair on my wood floor to warmly stuff a comforter cover for the coldest winter on record. And so on, and so on.... And still the answer that comes out of my mouth...is YES.

YES! YES! YES! YES! Now, don't get excited. Let me qualify that answer. That YES is for GOD. Not long after we adopted Luke, in talking to God, I promised Him that my answer would always be YES. Whomever the child, whatever the situation, my answer is YES. My home, my heart, my arms will forever remain open. He gave me a mothers heart, and I am so very, very thankful for that.

IN the craziness of life I can lose sight of all that though. Lately the things I am reading, the sermons that I hear, the quotes that I find... they all come back to the fact that GOD called me onto the mission field of being MOM. He is talking to me, He is rejuvenating my tired heart. He is reminding me of bigger pictures and grander plans. I need HIM so much, and He loves me enough to make it obvious. ;).

Trusting Him with the outcome, I say YES each morning.

.............................................................

ON a side note, Quentin is doing fantastic! He is growing so big! He is rolling over. He is sleeping at night like a champ! He is happy and healthy. He brings me an overwhelming amount of joy each day. I could brag about him for hours!

Here he is at about 2 1/2 months old:

He is very strong for 2 months!


His shunt has finally stopped looking like a vienna sausage on his head!


Isn't he just adorable?


A rare smile. He'd rather talk to you then smile at you. And this crooked little half smile? It's going to melt some girls heart someday. It's already melted mine. :)


Here is his back. It is healing slowly but surely.

Number 10!

Wow, talk about a dead blog! Life has just been so busy, I have hardly had time to organize my mind enough for a decent post. Admittedly, I have found Facebook a much quicker and easier way to keep everyone updated [because I know that they wake each day filled with excitement at what my witty or interesting status will be! .... NOT!].

But for those of you that are not on Facebook and have been wondering about my family, I have the best news to share with you! Yes, we have adopted again! A little boy, making our family a mix of 6 boys and 4 girls, currently ages 18 years - 4 weeks. :) NEVER in my life did I think I would say "I have 10 kids!". But I am so happy that I can say that now!

Quentin was adopted domestically. We were matched with him on the 18th of August and he came home on the 31st. He spent his first 3 weeks of life in the hospital because of being born with Spina Bifida. He is home now though, and is doing so well!

Are we intimidated? Yes. But not so that we are staying up all night worrying. I firmly believe God led us to this little boy, and I firmly believe whatever challenges we meet, He will be surrounding us with his strength, love, and compassion.

It's beautiful, God's hands in adoption. I have never been able to, nor do I want to, separate God and adoption. It is the culmination of all the love in His heart! A perfect picture of a perfect love!

There is more to share about how Quentin is a part of our family. But I am not ready to share all of it just yet, I find I am wanting to hold that in my heart and reminisce with my Heavenly Father about it some more. There is much there, and it is worthy of sharing. But not yet...

So here he is! Our little boy!

Quentin Tristen Thomas Mayden

Come The Spring...

Yana was born in winter. It was March 20, 2003, but for her there was no coming thaw. There was no first flower of spring. There were not fresh rains washing the cold and dirt of winter away. There was no warm sunshine on her face, no gentle breeze blowing her hair.

For Yana there were the four walls of a crib. There were bottles hastily shoved into her mouth from out of no where. There was crying out for attention until hope was lost and she was silent. There was no familiar face, there were no recipricated smiles.

There were just the same four walls of a room she very rarely left, most of the time was spent in the same four walls of her crib. There was no variety in her diet, just like there was no variety in her life. It was stale, dark, cold,[or very hot], and silent.

Death permeated the air. The death of hearts that had given up or become hardened. The death of hope as no child's cry was answered. The death of joy as there was nothing to look forward to. The death of little souls as they waited for their savior who sometimes only came in the form of a lonely, and sometimes painful death.

Let's face it, winter sucks for the young when there is no hope of spring, no hope of sunshine on their face, no hope of a gentle snow to cover up all that has died and become stale and ugly.

But there is something amazing that is happening. Yana doesn't live in a winter atmosphere anymore. The ugliness has been replaced. There is sunshine, and gentle breezes, joy and hope, smiling faces that always answer a cry or a need, and there are celebrations all day long!

Spring has sprung, and like the grave could not hold my savior, winters shadows can not hold my Yana.

"Blossom by blossom the spring begins"
Author: Algernon Charles Swinburne

So many blossoms on my beautiful Yana flower!

blossom #1. She constantly seeks attention. You can not sit down w/o Yana crawling over and up into your lap. She then proceeds to make herself comfortable and often is very demanding in you paying attention to her. All this from a child that you had to all but beg to interact with you.... All this from a child that showed no independant thought.

blossom #2. WE have language comprehension!!! Yana literally had NO language, Bulgarian or English. She understood nothing and it meant nothing to her. Now I can definitely say that is not the case. I KNOW she understands at least 7 questions/phrases. I am sure there are more coming, but she is getting it! And I am putting the phrases/questions to actions/signs on her part so she can start to show me what she wants!

blossom #3. She LAYS her head down on my shoulder as I sing her songs before tucking her into bed! I LOVE IT!

blossom #4. She CRIES many mornings when she is awake and will break into smiles and giggles when I come into her room!

blossom #5. Eye contact, eye contact, eye contact.... it is happening more and more!

blossome #6. She loves to crawl quickly to the door if someone goes out of it and tries to go out herself. :)

blossom #7. She shows a MARKED preference for her family. AND shows an interest in where they go if they leave her.

So many things are happening... she knows so much more than she did just 9 months ago. Within the love of her family, she is aware, alert, interactive, purposeful, and communicative. She is blossoming.

Winter has lost it grip. Spring has come!

I could watch her all day long! Enjoy some spring blossoms with me. :)

Featured Child....

BETHANY

December 2006
Osteogenesis Imperfecta


From volunteers who met her: This radiant girl lives in a Russian orphanage. She suffers from OI, Group 3. She was bedridden for the most of her life; until she was almost 4 years old she could not sit and could not turn over. She had multiple bones broken by simply moving around in bed. Only one year ago volunteers found her in a cast from head to toe. They have begun raising money for her rehabilitation in the American Medical Center in Moscow. As a result, she is now sitting vertically first time in her life. The first time she was able to look out the window, she saw the bleak Moscow landscape of late November and there was no limit for her joy! She takes such pleasure in being able to see that the street cleaning guy has a “soft” hat and that birds are “fuzzy .” Despite having such a handicapped childhood, Bethany is unbelievably bright. At three and a half she knew all colors, 1 to 10 numbers, could recite many children rhymes, and she has a perfect music pitch! According to the nurses, Bethany radiates positivism and humor to such degree that children from the hospital gather in her room for a good laugh, a song, or a story. When it was time for her to leave the hospital and to part with the nurses, she broke down crying for the first time, despite all the physical pain of the hospital procedures. She desperately wants to belong, to be part of a family.

More information is available for interested families. Potential families must have good medical coverage and be comfortable financially.

**** Where is her mommy? I can just imagine the bright light of her soul locked inside a body that is not getting the help it needs? Where is the family that will set her free?

Hugs and Kisses

I LOVE this little girl!



NO matter my mood, a hug or kiss from Yana and I am always just a little bit happier.

"The child must know that he is a miracle, that since the beginning of the world there hasn't been, and until the end of the world there will not be, another child like him."

Pablo Casals

Adoption 101

Spend time teaching your newly adopted kids. It is all to easy to get caught up in the caretaking aspect, and forget the mommy aspect of knowing what makes your kids tick. What they really enjoy, and what they don't.

You need to spend time becoming their mom which means that you are on the floor figuring out what is going on inside their mind and how to get in there. You deserve to know your child better than their therapist, their teachers, their Doctors or specialists, their paras, and so on.

It will take time, and lots of trial and error... but to really feel like and be "mom" you have to be fully committed, fully involved, fully engaged, and then when your 8 year old daughter with Down syndr, who came home not knowing anything but how to survive, touches her nose in response to your question "Where is your nose?" for the first time you will be over the moon happy! You will KNOW that you are beginning to figure her out and that you are her mom because there just isn't anyone as giddy about it as you are in that moment!

************

And just for fun, here is a pic of my girls, Riley 18, Quincy 11, Yana 8, and Tavi 5.

My Heart Hurts....

Boy, Born August 2010

Goog grief, I do not know why they must leave these children left to suffer like this! Maybe they do not feel comfortable enough with their own surgical expertise, but this child needs surgery and a family of his own, and NOW!

From his medical records: hydrocephaly

More photos available, married couples only.

My arms are aching to hold him and bring him the care and help he needs! He is in Eastern Europe. Jesus, please send his family now!

If you are his mama, please visit this link! NATHANIEL

There are no words in me at this moment, only prayer....